


Tears You Cannot Keep From Me

by Copperstown



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Bullying, Depression, Multi, Self-Destruction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-13
Updated: 2013-05-13
Packaged: 2017-12-11 18:31:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/801829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Copperstown/pseuds/Copperstown
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dalton is supposed to make Kurt's life better. Finn thinks that if his deteriorating mood is any indication, it's not going according to plan. But Finn doesn't know just how much Kurt loathes himself. Until now. Trigger warnings may apply so beware.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tears You Cannot Keep From Me

**Author's Note:**

> First off, let me just tell you that this is a very, very sad story, Beware of potential triggers. Also, I'd like to mention right away that I know Kurt genuinely liked it at Dalton, but just preferred it at McKinley, and I know that The Warblers were very nice to him. I know he's a strong person, and not as fragile as I make him out to be. But this is fanfiction, and I got the idea, so I had to write it. It's just sort of an AU to season 2, because Glee has a tendency to wrap everything up very nicely, and sometimes I just like to unwrap it, and blow it up. This is a result of that.
> 
> The song is "Porcelain" by Marianas Trench, and it's practically an anthem for Kurt in season 2.

_You thought by now you'd have it figured out_

 

The first time someone asks Finn how Kurt is doing at Dalton, all Finn can say is "Better," and then turn away, because at this point, he actually doesn't know. He's gotten over his anger at Kurt for not discussing it with him first (they were supposed to have turned a leaf, started anew as brothers after the wedding, and that was supposed to include confiding in each other), because Burt very carefully explained the first night that everything had been a rush and Kurt had needed to make a decision immediately, so it wasn't exactly his fault that he didn't talk to Finn about it first. But that doesn't mean that Finn isn't still angry at himself for it. If he had just stood up for Kurt a little sooner, if he'd helped him out a little more, told Karofsky to back off just a week or two sooner, hell, even if he'd just been a part of the group that stood up to Karofsky earlier that week before the wedding, then maybe Kurt wouldn't have had to transfer.

Burt and his mom both tell him to stop beating himself up about it. Kurt says that it is in no way his fault. Finn doesn't fully believe it. So he doesn't talk to Kurt for a week, until after Sectionals, when Kurt comes up to him and tells him congratulations with an honest smile.

"You were all great. Mike and Brittany were on fire," Kurt says, and he's completely honest, not at all upset or miffed about being tied for first place.

"Thanks. And congratulations to you guys as well," Finn says.

"Thank you," Kurt replies.

And with that, they silently agree to put the last week of awkward silences behind them and just forget it ever really happened, and decide that they will just continue on their new, blank page as brothers. No upset, no resent, just happy brothers who tease and mock and protect. And even though Kurt is now at a much safer school, Finn is determined to protect him from everything, even if he has different things to look out for. In the beginning though, there doesn't seem to be anything that Finn needs to protect Kurt from. Dalton seems like a safe place, and he seems to be well-treated by his peers. All good. He's started to mention more names than just Blaine. Now David, Wes, Nick, Jeff, Thad, and Trent all come up in conversation as well, when Kurt's asked about school.

So Finn is a little unnerved when Rachel, during an incredibly awkward conversation (they still haven't quite gotten over the break-up, either of them, so things are tense and awkward, and sometimes Finn would really rather just avoid Rachel to avoid the awkwardness, but he knows that he and Rachel have to be able to at least be civil again, and all they need is time, so he ploughs on through), asks about Kurt with a worried expression on her face.

"How is he doing?" she asks. "I haven't talked to him in a while, not properly, at least. When we talked at Sectionals, he said he was kind of questioning everything about himself."

It takes Finn a moment to answer that, because wow, that's a surprise. Kurt has never mentioned at home that he was questioning himself and who he is. He never let on that he was unhappy with anything, other than not getting that solo at Sectionals, but other than the minor, regular things for Kurt to be upset about, there hasn't been anything.

"Uh, he's good," Finn says, and he can't help but frown. "At least I think so."

"What makes you question it?" Rachel asks, and now she's frowning as well, and Finn takes a short moment to notice that this isn't so bad. It reminds him a lot of their easy conversations and the way they could always just talk openly with each other while they were dating.

"He says the classes are harder, so he has less free time and stuff, and he's not all that jazzed about the uniform, but he says at least the color combinations are decent," Finn says in a rush. "But he seems happy enough. It sounds like he's got friends, and he feels comfortable."

"Oh. That's good," Rachel says with a soft, earnest smile.

"Yeah. Why would he say that he was questioning himself?" Finn asks. Rachel is better at this sort of thing than him.

"Maybe it's just a phase. You know, with transferring and having to get new friends and settle into not just a new school, but also a new glee club, both of which are probably very different from us and McKinley," she says. It sounds reasonable enough for Finn to go along with it. He tries to keep his eyes and ears open, but he knows himself well enough to admit to himself that he sometimes overlooks things because he doesn't want to face the truth (Quinn's little hot tub lie has taught him that. He really was doubtful when she first spun her lie. The only reason he believed her is because she's better at biology, and he did **not** want to be faced with his girlfriend cheating on him). So he decided that, at least for now, Rachel is right. Kurt just has to adjust to his new environment, and then he'll be fine.

But Finn will keep his eyes open nonetheless. He's still determined to look out for Kurt.

~*~

_You can't erase the way it pulls when seasons change_

 

One day, when Kurt's car is in the shop for a regular checkup and an oil change, Finn offers to pick Kurt up from school. Normally, Kurt does the checkups on his car by himself, but he's been pretty stressed lately, because Dalton is a private academy and they have higher expectations and the school work is harder (not to mention that Kurt is still working on learning his 8-piece harmony or whatever it is The Warblers do, because he's a perfectionist), so Burt had told him to leave his car in the shop, then Burt would drive him to school and work on the car while Kurt was in school. Finn sees this as his opportunity to finally go to Dalton and see some of Kurt's mysterious friends, and he wants to help out, so he calls Burt and tells him that he'll go to Dalton and pick up Kurt.

Dalton is really freaking huge. It reminds Finn of a manor or a mansion. Old, sophisticated, intimidating. But Finn just parks his car in the parking lot, amongst sports cars and station wagons, and walks inside. On the inside, Dalton looks just as old and sophisticated and intimidating. Everything is wood and marble. There are paintings on the walls and leather furniture placed at random places in the hallways. Finn takes time to admire it all, but then he realizes that he doesn't actually know where he's supposed to go to find The Warblers. He asks a guy in the hallway for directions, and he just points down the hall.

"Down the spiral staircase on the right, through the doorway, go to the left, and follow the music from there," he says.

"Thanks," Finn says with a smile. He finds the spiral staircase easily enough, and once he gets to the bottom, it actually isn't all that difficult. Directly in front of the bottom of the stairs is a doorway that leads to a hallway, with what looks like a cafeteria to the left, and to the right, the hallway continues. And the music is loud enough for Finn to be able to follow it down the hall, until he reaches an open door on his right. A few steps down is a lounge, and sitting around in the lounge are about fifteen boys in navy blazers and grey slacks. Finn doesn't know what song they're practicing, but they finish almost as soon as he's found them, so he stays outside and hopes that this means that they're done now.

"That was good, but it needs a little bit more work before it's perfect," one guy says. Finn can't see him. "But let's call it a day for now, shall we? We'll take a crack at it again tomorrow. Nice job, everyone."

There's a scattered applause, and the boys start packing their things, picking up their bags. A large group of them leave pretty quickly, chatting merrily. A few boys take a bit longer to pack up, and some seem to just hang back for the conversation. Finn doesn't really pay attention, because it's none of his business. But then someone mentions Kurt.

"Hey, Kurt, you're really doing great," the same guy as before says. "You've got a lot of talent."

"Not everyone can learn how to harmonize with the rest of us that quickly when it's not the kind of music they've been used to," someone else says.

"Thank you," Kurt says. "I appreciate that."

"Keep up the good work!" the first guy says, appearing in Finn's vision as he and some other guy leave the room.

"Buy guys, see you all tomorrow," a slightly chubby guy says as he heads out the door, a tall guy with spiky blonde hair right behind him, waving at someone else in the room. Finn thinks that maybe everyone but Kurt has left. He can see half of Kurt to the left, the rest of him blocked by the wall, but before he can call out, someone else speaks up.

"Hey, Kurt, can I talk to you?" the guy asks, stepping forward so much that half of him appears in front of Kurt. He looks a little familiar.

"What's up, Blaine?" Kurt asks. And now Finn knows where he's seen him before. Kurt has his picture in his room.

"Are you okay? You seemed a little quiet today. More than usual," Blaine says, sounding concerned. His words make Finn frown, because Kurt isn't usually quiet. He wasn't in the New Directions. Blaine makes it sound like he's normally pretty quiet.

"Yeah, I'm fine, I've just had a lot of school work lately," Kurt says reassuringly. "Big history paper."

"Alright. Um, there was actually something I wanted to talk to you about after Sectionals," Blaine begins, but Kurt chooses that moment to glance around just for a second, and it's enough to make him spot Finn.

"Finn!" he exclaims. He seems pleasantly surprised, smiling as he moves a little closer to the door. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to pick you up," Finn replies. "I figured I'd do Burt a small favor."

"Well, I'll be right there. Just a second," Kurt says and turns back to Blaine. "What were you saying?"

"It's nothing. It can wait," Blaine smiles and also moves closer to the door. "So this is the famous Finn, huh?"

"Oh yeah, Finn, this is Blaine. Blaine, Finn," Kurt quickly introduces them.

"Hi," Finn says. "I'm famous?"

"It's nice to meet you, and yeah, a little," Blaine replies. "Kurt talks a lot about you."

"Only good stuff, I hope," Finn says, eyeing Kurt playfully. Kurt just rolls his eyes.

"A little of everything, I think. Like normal brothers do," Blaine shrugs. He pats Kurt on the shoulder. "I'll see you tomorrow, Kurt."

"Yeah, bye," Kurt says. He and Finn leave two minutes later, and they just talk a bit and listen to loud music on the way home. But Finn stores Blaine's words in the back of his head. It's unusual for anyone to call Kurt quiet, and Finn doesn't really know what to make of it. He doesn't know if he should be worried about it. So he decides to just remember it, for future reference.

~*~

_It hurts sometimes to find where you begin_

 

As Christmas draws closer, Kurt seems to become a little more tired, although that may just possibly be because he spends just about all of his time studying. Finn pays a bit more attention when Kurt talks about his friends and the other Warblers, and there are some things that baffle him a little. For one thing, Kurt doesn't speak as enthusiastically about his new glee club as he spoke of New Directions, and that's not just something Finn thinks because he's biased. That's the truth. Nor does he speak as passionately about it. He seems happy enough to be there, to be able to sing with his friends, but whenever there's an issue (and that's only when he mentions the issues. Sometimes Finn wonders if maybe Kurt has more issues with The Warblers than he lets on), he's not as irritated or annoyed with whoever or whatever has caused the issue as he was when there was an issue in New Directions. He seems fond of his new friends, but he clearly misses everyone from McKinley. He seems happy to be able to at least see Finn every day, and see the others whenever Finn brings them home after school, either for fun or practice (or both).

One day, Kurt comes home from Dalton with a dreamy look in his eyes and a wide smile on his lips. Finn last saw that look directed at himself, a year ago, and back then, it had been unnerving. Now, though, it's not. Because it means that Kurt is in love. Or at least he has a crush on someone, and it's a bigger crush than the very brief one he had on Sam.

"What's up with you?" Finn asks, deciding not to pry about whether or not Kurt has a new love interest.

"Nothing," Kurt says evasively. "Mr. Schue came to see me at Dalton today. It was really nice to see him again, I've missed him and his vests."

And Finn decides to leave it at that. Kurt will tell him if he wants to.

~*~

_You are perfect porcelain_

 

The happiness from that day in December fades pretty quickly. No one is ever happy to go back to school after the Christmas holidays, but when Kurt comes back home in the afternoon, he seems a little down. It takes Finn a moment to realize that it's not all that different from the way Kurt looked before December, it's just that Finn forgot because Kurt got a little happier with all the Christmas spirit in the air. And that makes Finn sad, but he doesn't react on it. After thinking about it for hours, he concludes that everyone is happier in December, because there's Christmas decorations everywhere and silly songs on the radio and gingerbread cookies. December is like a light in the darkness of winter, and it cheers everyone up. So instead of risking getting accused of overreacting, Finn decides to just leave it.

With the start of school in January also comes preparation for the big championship football game for the Titans. It keeps Finn pretty distracted from watching out for Kurt, because Coach Beiste is determined to have them at least qualify for the championship when they're so close. So there's extra and longer practices, and that keeps Finn busier than usual.

Of course, then he also gets distracted by Mr. Schue and Coach Beiste's little experiment to unite the New Directions and the Titans by having the latter join the former for one week. And not just any week, but the week leading up to the championship game. And the anger of having to see everyone who mocks him and his friends, everyone who bullied Kurt, everyone who made Kurt transfer, **inside** the choir room, is a little consuming for Finn. The choir room has always been their safe zone, and Finn won't stand for getting ridiculed in there. Especially not when he's performing something. The choir room and the auditorium have always been the two places where Finn has been allowed to do what he loves the most: singing and dancing and performing with his friends.

From what Finn **does** notice about Kurt, he can't draw any new conclusions. Kurt seems okay. He seems the same. And maybe that's not exactly good, but what they've had to make do with for a while now, so. No change.

~*~

_The slow and simple melody of tears you cannot keep from me_

 

During Valentine's week, Finn, for the first time since Kurt transferred, gets really worried about Kurt. It's not in the beginning, though, because when they enter Valentine's week and everything suddenly turns pink (it's the one holiday where Finn thinks that yes, there is such a thing as too many decorations), Kurt seems happier. He seems bouncy and bubbly. He seems **giddy**.

"I think Blaine really likes me," he tells Finn excitedly. And this makes Finn happy, because Kurt has been in love with Blaine for a long time, and Blaine actually is gay, so there's a good possibility that Kurt is right. It definitely isn't impossible. And Kurt is a good catch, so why wouldn't Blaine fall for Kurt?

That's how the week starts. Two days later, however, Kurt comes home and slams the door before storming up to his room without saying anything. Finn raises his eyebrows at it, but doesn't react any more than that. Sometimes, Kurt just needs some space to get over whatever it is that has upset him. If it's really bad, then he'll go to people to get the comfort that he wants. He doesn't just silently wait for people to realize that he wants to be comforted. That's what Burt has said, and Finn just hopes that he's still right about it. He can't help but think that maybe Kurt has changed a little in the past years. Rachel told Finn once that sometimes people make a spectacle because they don't want to **have** to tell people that they're upset and want comfort, sometimes they want people to just notice it.

When Kurt reappears half an hour later, his eyes are a little red and puffy, and Finn frowns at that.

"Dude, have you been crying?" he asks worriedly, pausing his video game. He and Kurt are always pretty blunt when it comes to each other.

"I just – I had a bad day," Kurt says, rubbing his eyes.

"What happened?" Finn asks.

"It's nothing, it's stupid," Kurt says, and he honestly sounds like he thinks he stupid for crying over whatever he's been crying over. And Finn is never sure what to say when that happens. Kurt can be both a diva and an overdramatic bitch, and sometimes he cries over little things, silly things. It's kind of awesome that Kurt can see how overdramatic he sometimes gets, and how much he… well, how much acts like an actual girl sometimes. Kurt knows this about himself and he has embraced it, and that's awesome. Whenever he cries over something pointless, he gets a little embarrassed and refuses to tell for some time.

"Are you sure?" Finn asks. He feels like there's more to this that just Kurt being a diva and overreacting to something. He said he'd had a bad day. That should mean that something has happened to upset him. Finn doesn't like that thought.

"Yeah," Kurt says, but he seems a little shifty. He doesn't convince Finn.

"You just… you seem like it's something serious," Finn says. He knows not to just push for information with Kurt.

"It's just… I don't know. Things took an unexpected turn. And not in the good way," Kurt says. And however upset he is, he's clearly not willing to talk about it, at least not yet. Or at least not to Finn. And Finn isn't offended at that, because he knows that there are some things that Kurt can't really talk to Finn about, just like there are some things that Finn can't really talk to Kurt about.

Kurt arranges to go for a sleepover at Rachel's house with Mercedes, promising Burt that he will get to school on time, no worries. And since Kurt is obviously upset about something, Burt lets him, because it's a well-known fact that Kurt feels most comfortable with girls when he's upset. Girls, or a few select guys, depending on the reason why he's upset. If it's about a guy, then he definitely prefers to be comforted by girls, because as he told Finn once (blushing bright red and refusing to look at Finn), he **feels** like a girl sometimes. And when he's upset about a guy, he just wants to be allowed to feel like a girl, without also feeling too ridiculous on top of it.

Finn call's Rachel late that evening. He asks her to please go somewhere Kurt and Mercedes can't hear her, and once she's in her living room, Finn asks the question that has been bugging him all evening.

"Is Kurt upset about Blaine?"

"Yes," Rachel replies.

"What happened?" Finn asks.

"He thought Blaine was going to serenade him on Valentine's Day. Instead, Blaine is planning on serenading some guy who works at Gap," Rachel explains. "Kurt's pretty down about it. He thought he and Blaine had been working towards a relationship. Now he thinks he might have just made it all up in his head."

And while that isn't exactly unusual for Kurt, to convince himself of something ridiculous, Finn feels sorry for him, because ouch. It must hurt pretty bad.

They hang up, and the next day, Kurt seems more upset than usual, but he doesn't cry again. He grumbles about the Gap Attack, and when Finn asks him what that is, Kurt just sighs and says it's nothing.

"Rachel told me what happened with Blaine," Finn says gently. Kurt looks surprised, and he doesn't say anything for a minute, but he doesn't seem truly upset. "I called her and asked while you were at the sleepover. I was worried."

Kurt sighs at this.

"We're going to the Gap tomorrow to sing to Jeremiah. That's the guy Blaine likes. And I'm not exactly keen on going," he says dryly.

"Yeah, I get what you mean," Finn says and squeezes Kurt's shoulder briefly.

When Kurt comes home from the Gap Attack the next day, his mood seems to have lifted, although not by much.

"Jeremiah rejected Blaine. He got both outed and fired, so he was pretty upset," he tells Finn. "Blaine was pretty upset, too."

"At least it means you've still got a shot," Finn says, trying to be optimistic. But Kurt glares mildly at him.

"I'm trying not to get my hopes up," he says.

~*~

_It's alright if you don't know what you need_

 

When they get to the actual holiday, Valentine's Day, Kurt arranges something called The Broken Hearts Club at Breadstix. He and The Warblers perform _Silly Love Songs_ for the patrons, and a good portion of New Directions is there to support Kurt. Finn isn't, because he's sick with mono, and a little scared of seeing Sam there. Because Sam went to support Kurt, Finn knows. And he doesn't want to see Sam when Santana has made it pretty obvious to Sam that Quinn is cheating on him with Finn, and Finn really does feel bad about that. Kurt is very understanding about the whole thing, although he does chastise Finn for seducing Quinn and creating this love triangle, but Kurt isn't too hard on him. Which actually worries Finn a little, because usually Kurt would be all up in Finn's business about this, but he's not. He seems withdrawn. That makes Finn worry.

Kurt comes home from Breadstix a few hours later, and Finn asks him how it went.

"Fine," Kurt replies softly. "We sang, we had dinner, I hung out with all my old friends that I haven't seen in a while. It was nice."

And then he heads up to his room. Finn passes it a little later on his way to his own room, and he stops when he hears the obvious sounds of Kurt crying. Or actually, sobbing is a better term in this situation. It's loud enough to be heard through Kurt's door. Finn feels his chest clench, and he can't stop himself from poking his head into Kurt's room.

"Are you okay?" he asks as softly as he can.

"Just go away. I just wanna be alone right now," Kurt cries. He's on his stomach on his bed, with his face pressed into a pillow.

"Dude, I'm sorry about Blaine," Finn says quietly. "I know what rejection feels like."

"It hurts," Kurt cries. "Please, Finn, just leave me alone."

"Okay," Finn mumbles and leaves the room again, closing the door softly behind him. He can't do much for Kurt right now. With heartache and rejection, you just have to barrel through it. And sometimes, it includes crying on your own. Finn gets that completely.

~*~

_I'm right here when you need someone to see_

 

After Valentine's Day, Kurt becomes more withdrawn for a while. He's dealing with a broken heart and the bitter pain of rejection, and while he does so, he's quiet. Finn helps him when he can, comforting him even when he doesn't ask for it, trying to cheer him up every night with silly things. And it seems to help some, but heartache takes time to get over, so it's a while before Kurt seems to be fairly okay again. For a while, he doesn't mention Blaine except when he's crying his eyes out to Finn. Rachel tells Finn at one point that Kurt has also been crying down the phone to her. He's really upset about this, Finn can tell. He really fell hard for Blaine, only to find that Blaine liked someone else.

But after Kurt has gotten over it and sort of accepted it (he says he'll just have to work a little to get Blaine's attention, and Finn just tells him to go for it, because it's not a bad plan), and is talking freely about Blaine again, it all crashes again not long after, at Rachel's house party.

Kurt invites himself and Blaine along by blackmailing Finn with his browser history, but Finn isn't really sure that that was necessary. They all miss Kurt, so him going to the party isn't that much of a big deal. And although none of them really know Blaine all that well (he's been around the house a couple of times, so Finn has talked to him before, but not much, because he's Kurt's friend, not Finn's), he's nice and friendly, and he promises that he's not spying on them, so that makes it alright for him to be there. The more the merrier.

And merry it is. Finn and Kurt are the only ones who don't get drunk. The rest are tipsy within half an hour, and drunk an hour after that. And it's hilarious to watch, Finn and Kurt both think so. Kurt is trying to impress Blaine, but he seems a little disappointed that Blaine is completely hammered, so it doesn't really matter. It also sends a signal that Blaine isn't trying to impress anyone, which gets Kurt a little down, but not by much.

Then they decide to play spin the bottle, and it starts off fun enough. Everyone's laughing as people kiss others that they've never kissed before. Santana decides that drunk people taste bad, so she's going to sit it out.

Rachel is impossibly drunk when she spins the empty bottle and it lands on Blaine. And Finn doesn't feel jealous. He's not into Rachel anymore, but some part of him will always be fond of her, and maybe he would've been jealous if it had been Puck, but it's just Blaine, and Blaine is gay, so even if Rachel likes him, he's not going to like her.

Of course, then they both get really into the kiss, and they both look like they're enjoying it.

Kurt's jealousy gets the better of him and he practically forces Blaine and Rachel apart, and Finn spends the rest of the night looking at Kurt out of the corner of his eyes. He doesn't just looks jealous, he looks genuinely upset. Finn almost wants to do something about it, but they're at a party, and he doesn't want to kill the mood for anyone. Also, he's not exactly sure if Kurt actually wants to talk about anything right now. He mentioned after their last tearful conversation that he feels a little talked out.

But as Blaine and Rachel's heated duet moves along, Kurt's mood seems to deteriorate more and more, and Finn, in the end, decides to just talk to Kurt.

"He's drunk," Finn says, loudly to be heard over the music. Kurt looks surprised.

"What?" he asks.

"Blaine's drunk. That's why he's acting like this with Rachel," Finn says. He wants to assure Kurt, for some reason.

"I know," Kurt sighs. Finn leaves it at that, because there's nothing else to say.

When they leave later that night, Blaine still absolutely hammered. Finn and Kurt manage to drag him out into the car, where he passes out on the backseat. Finn drives while Kurt takes shotgun, and they don't talk at all. The radio is on, volume low, to keep all weird silences away, because Kurt is still in a weird, unhappy mood. When they get home, Blaine is barely coherent from a mix of sleep and alcohol, and so in the end, Kurt decides to just let him crash on his bed.

"Where will you sleep?" Finn asks as he and Kurt drag Blaine upstairs.

"Futon," Kurt replies shortly. They drop Blaine on Kurt's bed, and Kurt pulls a futon, and a spare pillow and duvet out of his closet.

"Alright then. Good night," Finn says and leaves the room.

The next morning, Blaine apologizes for getting so drunk and thanks Kurt and Finn for letting him crash there. Finn gives him a treatment for his hangover, which consists of chocolate and diet coke, and Blaine seems to think it's a little weird, but he also seems like he'd do anything to get rid of his hangover, so he goes along with it. After he's left, Kurt comes into Finn's room, and he looks kinda nervous, so Finn puts his computer away.

"Is there something wrong with me?" Kurt asks bluntly. All Finn can do for a moment is stare.

"What makes you think that?" he asks. Kurt bites his lip and then he sighs.

"Nothing. I'm just being overdramatic," he says and leaves the room, and all Finn can think is _what the hell?_

~*~

_It's not speak or forever hold your peace_

 

He gets more answers a few days later when Kurt returns from having coffee with Blaine and is angry and hurt and upset. He's about to storm up to his room, but Finn spots Kurt and his mood before he gets the chance, and he pulls Kurt aside to talk to him.

"What's wrong?" Finn asks, hoping that he sounds stern enough for Kurt to just give him an answer.

"Blaine's having a sexuality crisis!" Kurt says, clearly frustrated.

"Oh. I thought that was normal," Finn says slowly.

"It is, but since he thought he was gay, he should have already had his crisis," Kurt grumbles. "He thinks he might be bisexual. I snapped and said some bad things, but he wasn't exactly nice to me, either."

"What do you mean?" Finn frowns.

"Nothing, it's just…" Kurt trails off, but Finn gives him a look, and he sighs and gives in. "He compared me to Karofsky."

" **What**?" Finn exclaims. All nice thoughts and opinions he'd had about Blaine before fly out of his head.

"I got mad that he might be into Rachel, and I told him that being bisexual is just something gay people say so they don't have to deal with being just gay," Kurt says. "Which was really wrong of me, I know that people can be bisexual! But I was angry, and I wasn't thinking straight. And then Blaine said that I wasn't letting him be himself, and when I did that, I wasn't that much different from Karofsky!"

Kurt's voice has reached a new, extra high pitch when he finishes, but Finn doesn't care. All he can think about is how completely unfair that was of Blaine, and what a **douche**! "Maybe he's right," Kurt says, voice still extremely high, but he seems more upset and hurt than angry and frustrated.

"No!" Finn says immediately, grabbing Kurt's shoulders firmly. "You didn't threaten him. You didn't repeatedly bully him. You made **one** comment in the heat of the moment. That's in no way the same as what Karofsky did."

Kurt sighs. He doesn't say anything, he just bites his lip and holds onto Finn's hands on his shoulders for a moment before he walks away.

"Thanks," he says over his shoulder before he leaves the room and heads upstairs.

Blaine apologizes to Kurt, and Kurt apologizes to Blaine, and they make up fairly easily. Kurt manages to convince Finn to just give Blaine another chance and never mention what Kurt told him Blaine had said during their fight, and Finn goes along with it, because Kurt has really good puppy eyes. He also says that Blaine had apologized profusely and had felt bad after what he'd said and had realized how wrong he was as soon as he calmed down (and he'd realized that he's a hundred percent gay, so Kurt should still have a chance). They had both been in the wrong, but they'd sorted it, and Kurt just wants Finn to forget the ordeal ever happened. And Finn agrees to it, because he's not sure what else to do. But he keeps his eyes and ears open for any more potential mistakes from Blaine's part, because Finn won't be so forgiving again. He's already forgiven Blaine for making out with Rachel when he knew Kurt liked him, so it's actually Blaine's third chance. If not more. Finn isn't exactly sure how many of the times he's gotten angry over something Blaine had done that counts as chances.

~*~

_It's alright to take time and find where you've been_

 

One night, Finn comes downstairs for a glass of water when he can't sleep, and he hears Burt and his mom talking in the kitchen. It sounds serious, so he decides to stay in the living room for the time being and just wait for them to finish talking. But he gets worried when he hears Kurt mentioned.

"Kurt just seems so upset recently. I don't know what's going on with him," Burt says, and he sounds really worried. He sounds like he's at a loss.

"I know, honey. I've never seen him like this before," mom says. She adds, "Not that that's saying much yet, but still."

"I haven't seen him like this either," Burt says. "Not even before he transferred. He hasn't been so quiet since his mom died, and he's never been this withdrawn. He's always reached out when he was upset about something. I don't know what to do about it."

"Me neither," mom sighs.

"We're not paying an insane amount of money for private school just for things to get worse," Burt says, frustrated.

"We're paying for Dalton to keep Kurt safe, and at least that seems to be working," mom says. "I don't know. What can we do? He's not talking to anyone, really. He just does his homework and works on harmonies, and spends hours in his room."

"I'm at a loss. I know teenage boys are supposed to be difficult, but it's not even that he's difficult, it's that he really worries me. I'm scared for him," Burt says.

"I think we just have to keep watching him," mom says softly. Finn leaves the living room and heads back upstairs, forgetting about getting a drink of water. All he can think about is Kurt and their parents worrying about him. Of course, as Kurt's dad and stepmom, they're supposed to worry about him, but Burt had said he was **scared** for Kurt. Not just worried about him, scared for him. And that scars Finn a little. Burt has all the confidence in the world in Kurt and his strength and talent and whatnot. Just like a parent is supposed to. It's heartwarming, but it also means that Burt doesn't just get scared for Kurt over nothing. And Finn is a little afraid of how dire the situation must be for Burt to be scared for Kurt.

~*~

_You are perfect porcelain_

 

All hell breaks loose a couple of weeks later.

Just like with Valentine's Day, it doesn't start out completely bad. This time, it doesn't start with Kurt being happy about something, but it doesn't start with all hell breaking loose all of a sudden. At this point, Finn has been really worried about Kurt for a while. Especially after hearing his mom and Burt talk in the kitchen. Kurt's mood continues to shift between fairly okay and bad, and sometime his eyes seem a little watery and pink, and he's starting to seem very fragile. Finn worries about him and wonders what he can do, but the problem is that there doesn't seem to be anything he can do.

Kurt doesn't mention Blaine in a negative light again. And he doesn't seem to be upset about anything Blaine says to him, so Finn hopes that maybe Blaine has straightened out a little and has stopped being a douche. But then a one day he comes home with soap suds in his hair and an absolutely **crushed** look on his face. He clams up when Finn asks him about what's bothering him, and this time, he doesn't just seem upset and hurt and angry. This time, he seems ashamed as well. He looks like he feels humiliated. And he is not willing in any way, shape, or form to talk about it with Finn, no matter what Finn says. Not even after some time has passed that day, not even the next day. But the next day, Blaine comes home with Kurt after school, and after they've spent some time up in Kurt's room, Blaine leaves. He seems a little down when he leaves, but not in the same way that Kurt seems down. Kurt, who doesn't see Blaine out, which is a little weird, because Kurt, for the most part, has really good manners. Burt is clearly contemplating something when he comes home later that evening (at the time, Finn doesn't connect Burt giving Kurt The Talk with Kurt's deteriorating mood and the whole ordeal with Blaine).

It's at Rachel's house party that all hell breaks loose. It's a Saturday night, and Rachel has once again been persuaded to hold a party, since her dads will be gone all weekend for their wedding anniversary (they're going to spend it at a hotel, because they trust Rachel enough to leave her on her own). This time, Kurt doesn't have to blackmail Finn to get invited to the party, because Rachel invites him along as soon as the party is planned. Having learned from her last party that alcohol is necessary if it's going to be a success, she tells them all that it's bring-your-own-booze, because she doesn't want them in the liquor cabinet, in case her dads find out what she's been up to. She also, for some reason unknown to Finn, decides to get properly dolled up for the party, so when he and Kurt arrive, they're greeted by a very enthusiastic Rachel, and she's not wearing anything resembling a long green dress with ruffles, but a short, pleated black skirt, a glittery red and blue top, and a pair of very high stilettos. Her hair is puffy and curly, her lips are pale red, and her eye shadow is light and glittery, except for the heavy black eyeliner. And normally, Finn's mostly into girls with a natural look, but he has to admit, Rachel looks **hot**. It's enough to distract him from Kurt's weird and unnerving behavior for a moment. Rachel takes them down to the Oscar room, where the party is being held again, and they see that they're the last to arrive. Some are already a little tipsy, by the looks of it.

"Kurt!" Tina squeals and jumps out of Mike's arms to give Kurt a hug. Finn gets a little more worried than he already is when Kurt is less than enthusiastic at the greeting. Kurt is acting very strangely, and that worries Finn a lot. The way Kurt seems so withdrawn and tired almost scares Finn.

But for the first half hour, nothing of much significance happens with Kurt. His mood seems to improve a little as he sits with Tina and Mercedes, and he laughs when Mike does some silly and ridiculous dance moves (Finn thinks that maybe it's a bad imitation of himself, but he can't bring himself to be offended, because he's a bad dancer and he knows it, and Kurt is laughing again). And Finn is just starting to think that maybe all this is really helping Kurt get over whatever it is that's been keeping him so unhappy, when it all suddenly crashes around their ears.

"Blaine should've come!" Rachel exclaims suddenly over the music. Kurt immediately tenses, his smile stiffens, and his jaw tightens. Finn notices this, but Rachel very clearly doesn't. "He's great to party with. Hey Kurt, why don't you call him and invite him over?"

Before Kurt gets to answer, Tina cuts in.

"Hey, what's going on with the two of you, anyway?" she asks.

"Has he realized what a great catch you are yet?" Mercedes presses teasingly.

"No," Kurt says sharply. He gets up from his seat and starts pacing slowly, hugging himself tightly. "And he won't."

"What do you mean?" Mercedes asks.

"He won't realize that I'm a good catch because I'm not," Kurt says. His voice remains strong, but he sounds downright **broken**.

"What? That's ridiculous, of course you are!" Tina says.

"Clearly, I'm not," Kurt snaps, and all of a sudden he's crying. "I'm too dramatic, I'm too much, I'm too out there, I'm not sexy! Blaine would rather date a **girl** than me!"

"That's not true!" Mercedes insists.

"Yeah, the whole sexuality crisis he had was because of something that happened when he was drunk," Rachel says.

"And if Blaine doesn't like you like that, then it's his loss," Tina says. Kurt scoffs. "He's just one guy, Kurt. You'll get over him and fin someone who you love and who loves you back. You'll see. You just have to wait."

"NO!" Kurt screams and now he's not just crying, he's sobbing. Finn's too stunned at the very sudden outburst and explosion of emotions to reach out and comfort Kurt. None of them realize that the music has stopped. "No, no! I'm tired of waiting! I'm sick of it! And I'm sick of people dragging me down and making me feel like this!"

"Kurt," Quinn starts, stepping forward, but clearly Kurt has just snapped. Violently. Suddenly, he's screaming in pain, pushing bottles and red plastic cups on the ground, shouting high-pitched profanities. The rest of them all jump back as the glass bottles break and splinter on the floor.

"Kurt, calm down!" Puck shouts.

"Just stop, Kurt!" Mike says loudly, but Kurt continues to smash bottles, both full and empty ones as he cries and sobs and screams. In the chaos of it all, with Kurt distraught and in pain, and everyone shouting at him to calm down, Finn doesn't catch much of what it is Kurt is actually shouting at them. But eventually, Finn manages to catch enough to realize that Kurt isn't shouting insults and profanities at them, but at himself. And that breaks Finn's heart. It makes him want to join in on Kurt's screaming, but he doesn't.

"I hate this! I hate all this!" Kurt screams. "I hate feeling like this!"

"Kurt, just calm down and talk to us!" Mercedes cries out, sounding desperate for Kurt to stop screaming so much. She sounds scared for him, just like Burt.

"Why? I'm worthless! I'm just a waste of skin and space!" Kurt cries, and even with all the shouting, they all hear that.

"You are **not** , Kurt!" Finn insists loudly. Kurt throws a champagne bottle onto the coffee table, smashing it.

"I am! Everyone thinks so! I'm not worthy of anyone's time! I should just roll over and die!" he cries. Before anyone can say anything to that, Kurt moves to forcefully swipe the broken Champaign bottle and a few, still not broken bottles from the table and onto the floor, but as he does, he lets out a sharp cry of pain. He holds onto his wrist, and Finn sees why. In Kurt's left palm is a fresh cut, and blood is slowly flowing out of his hand and onto his skin, bright red. And for a moment, everything and everyone is completely silent. They all watch Kurt, who's watching his hand.

"I just want it to stop," Kurt whispers brokenly. "I want someone to notice me. I want someone to love me. I want to feel like I'm worth someone's love. But I'm not. I'm not, and I never will be. And it **hurts**! I want it to stop hurting so much. I want to die. I want the pain to go away. I want Blaine to notice me and love me, but he won't, because I'm worthless and he knows it."

"Kurt," Quinn says again and steps forward, walking carefully on the broken glass.

"And the one time he **does** notice me, he just notices how unsexy I am. That's all I can get from him, because he doesn't think I deserve more. Karofsky knew I was worthless," Kurt just continues, still sounding utterly broken, even if his voice is a little louder. The tears are still streaming down his face in cascades.

"Kurt, how can you think all this about yourself?" Quinn asks, sounding worried and scared and baffled.

"I'm not an idiot," Kurt says and looks up at the ceiling, looking absolutely devastated. "I thought I could handle it. I thought what Karofsky did didn't mean that I was worthless. But then… then Dalton and the Warblers just continued to make me… I felt worthless, and you know what? I am. I know that."

"You're not worthless, Kurt, and if anyone's made you feel like that, then they're idiots," Finn says, stepping closer.

"I am!" Kurt screams. He wipes his injured hand across his forehead, leaving a red smear of blood. "I just want it to stop. I just want someone to love me without having to. Not unconditional love, but…"

They all know what Kurt means. "It hurts," he cries. Finn thinks that maybe Kurt repeats it, but then Kurt is breaking down in tears again, and they can't understand a word of what he's saying. In two large strides, Finn is by Kurt's side, pulling him into a tight hug as Kurt starts sobbing uncontrollably again. And in the heat and chaos of it all, Finn manages to realize that this is why Kurt has been so weird. He's been locking deep feelings of self-loathing in himself, and this is the result of that.

And Finn really wishes that he'd known this sooner, so he could've stopped it. No one deserves to feel like this.

~*~

_The slow and simple melody of tears you cannot keep from me_

 

Kurt eventually passes out from all the crying, and the only thing keeping him from falling onto the broken glass on the floor is Finn holding him up. For a minute, Finn just stands there with Kurt in his arms, debating on what to do now. He needs to get home. They're not staying at Rachel's house when Kurt is bleeding and upset and passed out from crying. So he picks Kurt up bridal style and heads up the stairs.

"Hey, Puck, would you help me get Kurt home?" Finn asks. Puck might not be Kurt's first choice, because while the two of them are good friends and care greatly for each other, there are plenty of others that are closer to Kurt than Puck. But Puck is Finn's best friend, so he's Finn's first choice.

"Sure," Puck replies easily. He walks up the stairs right behind Finn and holds the front door open for him. Finn carries Kurt out to his car, where he puts Kurt in the backseat so he can lie down and doesn't have to sleep sitting up.

"Would you mind driving?" Finn asks Puck. "I don't want to leave him, in case he wakes up."

Puck doesn't make a single comment. He doesn't even raise an eyebrow. He just nods and gets into the driver's seat, while Finn gets into the backseat with Kurt. Kurt doesn't wake up on the drive home, though. He doesn't even stir once for the entire ride. He just remains fast asleep while Puck drives in silence, sparing Kurt worried glances every now and then. He and Finn share looks of worry through the rearview mirror a few times, but Finn keeps his eyes mostly on Kurt, who still has worry lines in his forehead and tear tracks down his face. Finn's heart almost breaks at the sight and the memory of why Kurt has been crying. When they get home, Finn picks Kurt up again and carries him inside, Puck holding the door for them again. Finn is sort of thankful to see that his mom and Burt have already gone to bed, although this does mean that he'll have to explain everything to them tomorrow. He takes Kurt up to his room and puts him down on his bed.

"How's his hand?" Puck asks.

"I think it's okay. It just needs some bandages," Finn replies, inspecting the cut. "Could you get the first aid kit from the downstairs bathroom?"

"Yeah, I'll be right back," Puck says. He leaves the room and comes back barely a minute later with the emergency first aid kit that Finn's mom insists on having in the downstairs bathroom, because she's a nurse and she knows that some injuries don't require a trip to the emergency room, if people just have a first aid kit in their home. Puck puts the kit down on the bed, and Finn rifles through it as quietly as he can, not wanting to wake Kurt up, until he finds some white bandages. He wraps some of it around Kurt's hand and cuts the rest off, and then Puck places the little clips on the bandage to make sure it stays in place. Then he packs the kit away again and puts it next to the door, while Finn remains on the bed, stroking Kurt's hair in an attempt to get him to stop frowning. There's still blood smeared across his forehead, bright red and already dry enough to be flaky and a little stiff instead of wet.

"Would you mind getting me a wet washcloth?" Finn asks.

"Sure," Puck just says. He's never been this willing to do anything for anyone before, Finn thinks. Well, maybe he was just as willing to help Quinn when she was pregnant, but otherwise, he's never really been like this, not in front of Finn at least. He comes back again quickly and hands the wet, white washcloth to Finn. Finn takes it and strokes it over Kurt's forehead to wash off the blood. He doesn't know what else to do to help. He pulls of Kurt's shoes, but doesn't undress him further, and pulls the duvet over him. Then Finn and Puck leave the room and as soon as the door is closed behind them, Finn lets out a long, loud sigh.

"How did this happen?" he asks, anger and frustration seeping into his voice.

"Beats me," Puck says. He sounds tired, but there's definitely some anger in his eyes.

"I was watching out for Kurt, and I knew something was wrong, but I had no idea it was anything this big," Finn says.

"This is crazy!" Puck exclaims. "Kurt is supposed to be overconfident. He's not supposed to feel worthless."

Finn sighs and runs a hand through his hair. He wants to beat up Karofsky, and a part of him wants to beat up Blaine and the other Warblers, because they must've done something as well to get Kurt into this state. But right now, Finn can't do much more than what he's done.

"Do you want to stay here tonight?" Finn asks Puck.

"Yeah, I'm exhausted," Puck replies. "And besides, my truck is still at Rachel's."

"I could've given you a lift there, if you wanted to go home," Finn points out, but Puck just shrugs. It's not like he's never crashed at Finn's house before. He used to do it all the time in Freshman and Sophomore years, back when they were best friends at first. Things between them have been a little difficult from time to time, but they're back on track now. Puck seems to be determined to never have an affair of any kind with any of Finn's girlfriends, ever again. Finn appreciates that.

They get a futon and some spare sheets out of the closet in the hall, and set up a bed for Puck next to Finn's. Puck decides not to brush his teeth, but washes his mouth out with some mouthwash from the bathroom. They crash onto their beds, and about five seconds later, they're both fast asleep.

~*~

_It's alright if you don't know what you need_

 

Finn has to tell Burt what happened at the party the next morning. It's an awkward and uncomfortable situation. Puck stays for it, and he helps Finn when Finn gets stuck somewhere or can't talk because there's a lump forming in his throat and he's afraid of what he might sound like if he starts talking. At some point, Finn's mom starts crying, and Burt starts crying as well, and Finn can't help it, he joins in on the crying. Puck doesn't cry, but he does seem sad and upset. When Kurt comes downstairs, looking upset and fragile, and a little humiliated, fiddling with the bandage on his hand, they all wrap him up in a giant hug. Pug quickly steps out the hug again and settles for having a hand on Kurt's shoulder. Once the rest of them step away as well, Puck rubs Kurt's shoulder and gives it a squeeze.

"If you need anything, just ask," he says softly. Kurt doesn't answer, just gives Puck a teary eyed look. "And tell me who I have to beat up for this."

Kurt sniffs and pats the hand on his shoulder, and then Puck says goodbye to them all and leaves (apparently he's planning on taking the bus to Rachel's house to pick up his car).

And then it's time for the worst conversation Finn has ever experienced. Because now they have to get Kurt to talk. They have to get him to open up and tell them how he feels, why he feels like that, and if there's anyone in particular who's been mean to him, in which case he really should call Puck and give names and addresses. And Kurt is not exactly willing to open up. It takes a lot of persuasion and pleas, and eventually, Burt pulls him onto his lap, wrapping his arms around Kurt and rocking him back and forth softly. Kurt looks so small in Burt's lap, but he also seems to really appreciate the gesture, and slowly, very slowly, very tentative, very softly, he begins to talk. And it's **awful**. Not only does Kurt sound absolutely broken as he explains how Karofsky and the other jocks made him feel at McKinley, but what he says breaks Finn's heart into a million pieces. They all cry as Kurt moves on to how his new classmates and the Warblers have made him feel at Dalton. His stories of what Blaine has said to him and how he's made him feel make Finn want to hunt the kid down and kick his head in, or at least shout at him for making Kurt feel like this. Because Kurt says it outright, so there's no mistaking it. He feels worthless. He feels like nothing. He's absolutely convinced that he has no value as a person and a human being. And **no one** should feel like that.

Kurt eventually get sick from all the retelling and the crying and the memories of horrible feelings and cutting words, even if they were meant as kind ones, and he throws up in the sink. Finn looks away, because he gets sick watching other people throw up, and he doesn't want that to happen. Kurt washes his mouth out and curls up on a chair.

"Kurt," Burt says, reaching out to put both hands softly on Kurt's shoulders. Kurt looks up at Burt with shiny red eyes and tear tracks down his cheeks, and he looks heartbreakingly sad. "You matter, remember? You're **not** worthless. You're worth a lot more than any of those Dalton kids."

What Kurt says next breaks Finn's heart more than he thought was possible, given that it's already in a million pieces all over the floor.

"You're just saying that because you have to," Kurt chokes out. "You're my dad, you have to love me and tell me that I matter. That doesn't mean it's true."

Burt is shell shocked. Finn doesn't blame him. He's shell shocked himself, as is his mom. Once mom and Burt get over it, they spend about an hour trying to convince Kurt that he matters and that he's not worthless, and it doesn't seem to work even the slightest. It scares Finn how deep down all these feelings are for Kurt, how rooted they are. And it scares him and frustrates him to no end that he has absolutely no idea how he's supposed to help Kurt, when Kurt is convinced that family of any kind feels obligated to say that he's important.

"Sometimes," Kurt says in a choked voice. "Sometimes, I just want to die."

~*~

_Oh, when your heart loses, you won't fall to pieces_

 

Burt, Finn, and his mom later decide that Kurt isn't going to Dalton tomorrow. He needs rest, and he needs time to get over his breakdown. Burt also decides that he's not going to work either, instead taking a rare day off to spend time with his son, because they all come to the conclusion that if Kurt doesn't believe what they say, they'll have to try and convince him that he matters by doing gestures for him and showing him, in any way possible. So Burt and Kurt are both taking a day off for some father-son-bonding, and hopefully Burt will make some progress with Kurt. But they don't tell Kurt any of this. What they do instead is that they have Finn sneak into Kurt's room after Kurt has gone to bed. Finn turns off his alarm and places a note saying _You're taking the day off :)_ on the alarm clock, so that Kurt knows what's going on when he wakes up late.

Finn debates asking if he can take the day off as well, but he decides instead to go to school. Kurt doesn't need all of them crowding him. And besides, the rest of the glee club will be waiting to hear what's going on and how Kurt is doing, so Finn needs to go in and give them answers.

~*~

_You'll let those old diseases lie, oh, and your heart releases_

 

Finn has barely gotten through the door to the choir room before he's bombarded with questions.

"How's Kurt?"

"Is his hand okay?"

"What was all that about at the party?"

"How depressed is Kurt?"

"Is there anything we can do to help?"

"Everyone just stop!" Finn says loudly, holding up his hands to get everyone to shut up. "Just calm down. I'll explain everything."

They all sit down, while Finn goes to stand in front of them. Someone has apparently filled Mr. Schue in on what happened at Rachel's party, because he doesn't ask what's going on or question what they're all talking about. He just sits down like the rest of them.

"Kurt's taking a day off today. He had a very… trying day, I think is the polite term, yesterday. My parents and I talked to him yesterday," Finn starts. "And he told us basically what he shouted at the party. He feels absolutely worthless. He wants to die."

"What?" Tina sounds heartbroken, even with just that one word.

"How can someone like Kurt feel worthless?" Mr. Schue asks. Finn takes a deep breath to ready himself for the next part.

"Karofsky made him feel pretty terrible, when he was bullying Kurt," he begins. "Everything he said and did wore Kurt down, and he was feeling lonely and depressed. And sometimes, if you get told something enough times, you start to believe it, no matter how absurd it is. So Kurt started to think that maybe he was as disgusting and worthless as all the bullies said he was. It was supposed to get better when he transferred, but… it kind of… didn't."

"Why not? What happened?"Mercedes demands.

"Dalton's all about fitting in, and Kurt's never been a fan of having to fit in like that. He wants to be allowed to be himself, all the way, and Dalton didn't really allow that," Finn explains. "He wasn't bullied like he was here, but he was still suppressed. Blaine told him to try to fit in a little more, and told him not to try so hard in The Warblers. And you know Kurt, for him there's no such thing as trying too hard when it comes to glee. And Kurt said that he just felt suppressed. Eventually he started to feel put down. And everything that happened with Blaine really didn't help."

"Everything that happened with Blaine?" Sam echoes, clearly confused, as is everyone else.

"Kurt really likes Blaine. I don't think he's ever felt like this before. He says he's never felt anything this strong for anyone before," Finn says. "But it doesn't exactly seem like Blaine returns his feelings. Which would be sad enough on its own, but Blaine's done other things to make Kurt completely heartbroken, and have, on top of everything else he's been feeling, made him feel worthless. Because Blaine serenaded some guy on Valentine's Day, which made Kurt really upset, but even after Kurt told Blaine how he feels, Blaine still made out with Rachel right in front of him." Rachel blushes a little and looks mildly guilty. "In general, Blaine's been giving Kurt tips on how to be a Dalton student and how to be a member of The Warblers, but it's all just made Kurt feel worse about himself, because he felt like Blaine was criticizing him. And last week, Blaine told Kurt that he… wasn't sexy. And on top of Kurt feeling pretty worthless and heartbroken already, he didn't take well to hearing that from the guy he's in love with. Which is understandable, because he feels like, when he finally gets Blaine to notice him, it's because he's not sexy. So now Kurt feels like he doesn't deserve anyone's love, which is pretty much all that he wants. Not necessarily Blaine's love, just **someone's** love."

It's silent in the choir room while Finn's words sink in for everyone. Finn feels a little awkward, just standing in front of everyone else while they're all silent like this, so he shifts a little on his feet, but he doesn't move.

"We love him," Tina says slowly. "Can't we… can't we make him feel better if we tell him that?"

"No," Finn sighs. "It's a lot more complicated than that."

"What do you mean?" Puck asks.

"We all told Kurt yesterday that we love him and that he matters, and all he said was that we were obligated to say it," Finn explains, and Puck very visibly grits his teeth. "I asked my mom about it later. She doesn't think it'll help Kurt to **hear** that people love him. He needs to see it. People need to show him that they love him, make kind gestures for him, or something. Because he's not gonna believe it if he hears it. Especially not from family and friends. And it's… it's gonna be a long process."

"How did it even get to this?" Mr. Schue asks. "Why didn't someone notice and stop it?"

"Burt told me once that Kurt usually tells people when he's upset and wants comfort, so I didn't think I needed to do anything until he came to me," Finn replies. "I kept an eye on him, and I **have** talked to him, but it just hasn't been enough. Kurt wants people to notice that he's upset. He doesn't want to have to tell them, he just wants them to notice that he wants comforting. And when no one did… it just made him feel even more worthless."

"This is a nightmare," Quinn whispers, and yeah, Finn thinks. It's a huge nightmare.

~*~

_And you won't fall to pieces, and your breath comes crashing in_

 

At lunch break, Puck disappears after poking at his burger for five minutes. Finn goes looking for him, because he's a little worried that something is wrong with Puck, and Finn can't handle his best friend going off the rails and breaking down, not on top of everything with Kurt. Finn isn't surprised when he finds Puck in the weight room, but he's a little surprised when he finds Puck beating the crap out of a poor punching bag. It's not the usual way Puck boxes, because this time, he's a lot more violent than he usually is.

"Dude, you okay?" Finn asks.

"Depends how you look at it," Puck grunts. He doesn't stop punching the sandbag in front of him. "Some other time I might say I'm fine, because admitting that I'm not would be girly. But on top of what happened with Kurt, I admit that no, I'm not okay. Then again, **compared** to Kurt, I think I'm doing fantastic."

He punctuates his sentence with an extremely hard hit to the punching bag.

"What's up?" Finn asks, because Puck has made it pretty obvious that something is wrong. Puck doesn't reply for a moment. He throws a few more punches at the sandbag, and then he sighs and stops.

"We used to bully people too," Puck says and turns to look at Finn. "We were Kurt's top bullies in Freshman and Sophomore years." Finn has to look away for a moment. He doesn't like to be reminded of the douche he was just a little more than a year ago. "What if we ever made people feel like that?"

"What?" Finn asks, because he wants to be sure that he understood the question. He hopes it's not what he thinks.

"What if we ever made someone feel worthless and suicidal?" Puck asks. Finn sucks in a deep breath. It was what he thought.

"Why do you ask?" Finn asks.

"We've made people miserable, and we both know that," Puck says. "Now suddenly Kurt's more than miserable, and I honestly can't stand the thought of having caused anyone to feel like that."

Finn realizes what he's saying almost immediately, and he gets a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"I don't know if we ever did that to anyone," he says honestly. "I really hope not."

"I just want to punch someone's face for doing this to Kurt," Puck grumbles and hits the punching bag hard. Finn blinks, and he can almost see the light bulb above his head lighting up as an idea strikes him, and he can't let it go again.

"I'm gonna go to Dalton this afternoon," he says. "I hate what Karofsky and the Warblers and Blaine have done to Kurt to make him feel like this just as much as you do, if not more. I want them to know, and I want them to make it right, because I think they're some of the only ones who **can** make it right again. If they keep on doing what they're doing, they'll end up destroying Kurt, no matter what we do. So I'm going up there today, to give them a piece of my mind. Do you want to go with me?"

Puck barely thinks about it for a second.

"You can count me in."

~*~

_Like perfect porcelain_

 

When school finishes, and Finn and Puck head out to Dalton, it's not just the two of them. Sam and Mike are angry and hurt on Kurt's behalf as well, so they insist on going with Finn and Puck, and neither of them protest. The more they are, the better. Artie wants to tag along as well, but he doesn't, because none of them have a car that can accommodate Artie and his wheelchair, so he just tells them to glare at someone for him. Tina warns Mike not to get into too much trouble, but she's clearly upset at well, so she's not really discouraging him from anything.

They drive to Dalton in Puck and Finn's trucks. Finn drives with Sam, and the ride is mostly silent, except for the music Sam puts on after ten minutes. When they get to Dalton, they park their cars in the parking lot, and despite all of them loving cars, they don't stare at a single one of the fancy, expensive Porsches or Ferraris in the parking lot. Finn leads the way as best as he can, and he manages to not get lost as he walks briskly to the Warblers' choir room. The other boys look a little around in the hallways, Sam and Mike both clearly admiring the paintings and the leather furniture, even though they both also glare at the walls. This is the place that has made Kurt as unhappy and self-loathing as he is, and no amount of fancy paintings or cushy chairs is going to make any of them forget that.

Finn doesn't bother knocking on the door. He just slams it open and walks the few steps down to stand inside the choir room, his boys right behind him. They've clearly just interrupted practice.

"Who are you?" an Asian looking guy asks with a firm frown.

"It's Kurt's friends and stepbrother," Blaine says, and Finn spots him amongst the navy blazers quickly. Seeing him again nearly makes Finn's blood boil. "What are you guys doing here?"

"We're here about Kurt," Finn says tightly.

"He's not here today. Is he sick?" Blaine asks, and he sounds concerned, but that only makes Finn feel even angrier.

"Yeah, you could say that," he grits out. Blaine frowns.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"That's a good question," Finn says coldly. Blaine frowns. "New Directions held a party on Saturday, and it ended with Kurt having a complete breakdown."

"What?" it's not just Blaine who utters this word, it's several of the Warblers.

"Yeah," Finn says. "He was hysterical. He was in **tears** , he was screaming in pain, and do you know what he was screaming about?" They all shake their heads. "How much he hates himself. How worthless he feels. How much he hurts. How he sometimes just wants to die, because he feels like a waste of skin and space."

The silence is thick and heavy and stunned, but unlike the silence in the choir room, this one doesn't make Finn uncomfortable.

"If this is some sort of sick joke –" Blaine begins, but Finn quickly cuts him off.

"Believe me, I wish it was," he says harshly. He steps forward to stand in the middle of the room. He can't keep up the calm cold front much longer. He wants to punch all of them, especially Blaine. "But it's not. You have no idea. You can't even imagine what it was like, watching Kurt break down like that. And you have no idea what it was like hearing him talk about how worthless he felt yesterday."

"H-how…" Blaine stutters and can't get more than that one word out.

"Do you know who made Kurt feel like this?" Finn asks and steps even more forward, closer to Blaine and the group of guys he's with. He can hear Puck, Sam, and Mike moving closer as well.

"No," Blaine replies.

"You," Finn says simply.

Blaine's face falls to the ground, along with his jaw. He looks completely crushed, and that only makes Finn angrier. Blaine was the one who made Kurt loathe himself, Blaine doesn't deserve to be crushed about anything, especially not anything regarding Kurt.

"What?" Blaine chokes out.

"All you Warblers and your pompous asses made Kurt hate himself," Finn says, his voice growing in volume again.

"How did we do that?" the Asian guy asks.

"Kurt was already upset when he came here, and then you all continue to undermine him, make him feel ridiculous and out of place," Finn says loudly. He glares at Blaine, who shrinks back a little. "You kept telling him he was trying too hard, and that he stood out too much. You told him he should try to just fit in."

"I was trying to help him," Blaine says.

"You did the opposite!" Finn shouts. There's a strong hand on his shoulder, holding him back from attacking Blaine. "All he wanted was to be allowed to be **himself**! That's all he wanted. He got attacked for it at McKinley, and he thought that by coming here, people wouldn't push him down when he was just being himself, but lo and behold! They did! But it didn't stop there, did it?"

"What are you talking about?" a tall, chubby guy asks. He looks terrified.

"We're talking about Blaine crushing Kurt's spirits," Puck spits out menacingly.

"I… what?" Blaine whispers. The other Warblers look from Finn and his boys to Blaine confusedly.

"You help him, protect him from bullies, you blatantly **flirt** with him, and once he's fallen really hard for you, you ask him to help you serenade some random guy at the Gap," Finn hisses. The hand on his shoulder tightens, stopping him from jumping on Blaine in anger. "You were practically asking him to fall for you! And when he tells you that he likes you, all you do is you want to remain friends, and then you start making out with Rachel at a party! Do you have any idea how that made him feel?" Blaine doesn't answer, and Finn doesn't let him. "He thought something was wrong with him! He asked me if I thought something was wrong with him! You made him feel completely unwanted!"

"How?" Blaine asks. Finn jerks forward, his blood boiling, anger bubbling to the surface, but Puck, Sam, and Mike all grab him and hold him back.

"He thought you'd rather date a girl than him!" Finn shouts. "You tell him you're gay, and even though you know he likes you, you go on a date and have a sexual crisis over one drunken kiss with a girl! You were practically telling him that he'd be the last person you'd ever want! All the while, he's never been this head over heels for anyone!"

"I – I had no idea –" Blaine begins, he's cut off.

"Clearly," Sam bites out. "And we haven't even gotten to your latest act of brilliance yet."

"What do you mean?" Blaine sounds scared of what comes next.

"Unsexy?" Finn says. He doesn't really have to say more. It dawns on Blaine what they're talking about almost immediately. "You think Kurt's unsexy? And you tell him this, **to his face**?"

"I just –"

"You just screwed up!" Finn shouts, struggling to get out of the grip the other guys have on him, but they're three pretty strong guys. They can hold Finn back just fine. "He's been wanting your attention for weeks, and when he finally manages to get it, it's just because you think he's not sexy! That's the last thing he wanted to hear!"

"I didn't think!" Blaine exclaims.

"You should have!" Finn shouts. "Kurt's in pieces because of you! Because of all of you!"

"That wasn't our intention," the Asian guy says.

"But it's what happened," Puck snaps. "And you'd better do something to repair the damage you've caused."

"We'll do anything," Blaine says quickly. He sounds as crushed as he looks. "We'll apologize, we'll –"

"That's not gonna work," Finn snaps. "Kurt thinks he's a waste of space. He told us. Don't you think me and my mom and Burt told him that he's not? Wanna guess what he said to that?"

"What did he say?" Blaine asks warily.

"He said that we only told him he mattered because we had to. Because we're family," Finn says. He can hear Sam suck in a breath behind him, like he's trying not to cry. "We were obligated to, according to Kurt, and it's the same with his friends. You can't just tell him, because he won't believe you. He'll think you're just saying to make yourself feel better."

"And I wouldn't put that past you," Puck mumbles, low enough that the Warblers don't seem to catch it.

"You have to **show** him that you think he matters," Finn says. The anger is starting to drain a little.

"How?" Blaine asks. "We'll do anything."

"I don't know. Give him solos, buy him lunch, carry his books, I don't know, and frankly, I don't care!" Finn says loudly. "Just. Do. Something."

And with that, Finn shrugs off the hands that still have a tight grip on him and turn around to leave, Puck, Sam, and Mike right behind him. They storm out of the choir room and out of Dalton, their harsh, hurried steps echoing off the marble floors and decorated walls. They get back into their cars and drive back to Lima, and the drive is as silent in Finn's car as it was on the way to Dalton.

~*~

_The slow and simple melody of tears you cannot keep from me_

 

Kurt's smiling when Finn gets home. And it's not a fake smile, either. He's in the living room, leaning against Burt, and they're watching a movie of some sort (Finn has no idea what movie it is), and Burt is laughing at the characters, while Kurt sits there, tucked into his dad's side, with a real smile on his face, one that makes his eyes light up. It makes Finn want to dance or clap or laugh, but he doesn't do any of that. Instead, he pats Kurt's shoulder and heads to the kitchen to get himself a snack, and then he heads upstairs to his room.

When his mom gets home later, she tells Finn to come and help her and Burt make dinner, because only mom really knows how to cook out of the three of them. Kurt offers to help as well, but they all tell him to just sit in the living room and let himself be waited on hand and foot.

Burt and Finn are both horrible helpers to his mom, but they have fun nonetheless. Kurt sits in the living room and reads, and they all check up on him every now and then. He seems restless. Finally, he comes into the kitchen and asks in a soft voice if he can please help make dinner. When he says that it'll make him feel like he's at least good for **something** in life, Finn's heart clenches in his chest. Kurt shouldn't have to make dinner to feel useful or wanted. But they can't deny him this, so they allow Kurt to help with dinner, and eventually, Finn and Burt get kicked out of the kitchen. Mom and Kurt make dinner together instead. They look like they're really enjoying it, spending time with each other like that.

"So how did everything go today?" Finn asks Burt.

"Good. We had a lot of fun, and he seemed happy, for the most part," Burt replies. "We also had a very serious, very emotional talk. He cried again."

"But he's okay?" Finn injects, frowning in concern.

"He's as okay as he was yesterday, I think," Burt sighs. "I don't know when he'll be truly happy again, but I think it'll take a while. But we took a step today, me and Kurt. I insisted on checking him over, to see if he'd ever cut himself or harmed himself in any other way."

"Had he?" Finn asks, suddenly very anxious. He'd never thought of that.

"No. Thank god. But he'd considered it, which was why he cried," Burt replies. It makes Finn feel both relieved and upset. "But it was a step towards making Kurt realize just how important he is to me, and to all of us."

A short while later, mom calls out that dinner is ready, and if Burt and Finn will please set the table then she will be grateful. So Burt and Finn get up and start putting plates and cups and cutlery on the table, at everyone's usual seats. Kurt and mom put the trays and bowls of food in the middle of the table, and they all sit down to eat. Kurt barely looks at any of them for the entire meal, but Finn and Burt do what they can to make him smile, and they succeed most of the time. Mom, meanwhile, keeps a little closer to Kurt than normally, stroking his shoulder or his face every once in a while. At one point, she tips up his chin to get him to look at them, instead of his food or the walls. After dinner, Finn and Kurt clear the table, while Burt and mom watch them and keep the conversation going.

And then the doorbell rings.

"I'll get it," Finn says and walks to the front door. When he opens it, he freezes, and not because of the cold breeze from outside. He freezes at the sight of the person on the other side of the door.

It's Blaine. Blaine fucking Anderson, who looks upset and miserable and guilty and a little hopeful.

"Hi," he says weakly.

"What are you doing here?" Finn asks harshly, and Blaine visibly flinches.

"Look, I know I'm not your favorite person right now, or the favorite person of anyone in this house, but I need to see Kurt," he says.

"Why?" Finn asks.

"I feel awful about what I've done. Believe me, I hate myself as much as you hate me. But every time I think that, I can only imagine how bad Kurt feels, and how insignificant what I feel must be compared to what he feels, and I just… I need to talk to him, and apologize, and do whatever I can to repair the damage I caused," Blaine pleads. Finn sighs.

"I told you it wouldn't help," he says.

"I have to try, I can't stand the thought of Kurt being upset," Blaine says.

"This isn't about what you can't stand, you know," Finn snaps.

"I know," Blaine says and closes his eyes briefly. "I know that, and it's not about that. But it just want to make him feel better."

"I don't think Kurt wants to see you right now," Finn says, but some of the bite has left his voice, he knows. "I don't think he wants to see anyone right now."

"Could you please ask him? If he doesn't want to see me, then fine, I'll talk to him tomorrow. But if I can talk to him now…" Blaine trails off, biting his lip. And Finn wants to stay mad at Blaine, he really does, because Blaine has been an absolute ass to Kurt over the past months, and he's part of the reason why Kurt hates himself as much as he does (and the thought of Kurt quite literally **hating** himself makes Finn want to cry or punch someone). But Blaine also looks so very pathetic, and somewhere in the back of his mind, Finn knows that Blaine didn't mean to make Kurt this miserable. Misunderstandings and miscommunications played a part in this entire mess as well.

"Finn, who is it?" Finn's mom asks as she approaches the door. Before Finn can answer, she sees Blaine, who gives a weak, nervous attempt at a smile. "Oh. Hello Blaine."

"Hi Mrs. Hummel," Blaine says quietly.

"What are you doing here?" mom asks, and Finn can hear that she's only being polite.

"I came to see Kurt," Blaine replies. "I really need to talk to him."

Mom sighs.

"I'm not sure tonight is the best time, Blaine," she says. Blaine looks crestfallen.

"Look, I'll ask him, okay?" Finn tells Blaine, and Blaine's face lifts a little again. Finn turns around and heads to the kitchen (he can hear his mom starting to ask Blaine questions), where Kurt and Burt look like they're having a conversation that's weaving in and out of being serious and being silly. "Uh, Kurt?" Kurt looks up at him. "Blaine's here."

Kurt's eyes widen.

"What?" he whimpers.

"He wants to talk to you, but if you don't want to see him, I'll just tell him that," Finn says hurriedly. But Kurt shakes his head, and his fragile face gains a little bit of resolve again. And suddenly Finn remembers that Kurt used to have that sort of resolve on his face all the time.

"No, it's… it's okay. It's fine. I have to go back to school tomorrow, anyway," he says.

"Yeah, but if you want to wait until tomorrow to see him, then that's fine," Finn says.

"I… I want to see him now," Kurt mumbles. Of course he does, Finn thinks. It doesn't matter if Blaine's been an ass, Kurt is still head over heels in love with him. And Finn knows what that feels like. So he just gives Kurt a nod and heads back to the front door. It's still open, but mom hasn't let Blaine in yet. Finn's not sure what they're talking about it, but Blaine looks very apologetic, and mom looks sympathetic. They're probably talking about Kurt. As soon as Blaine spots Finn, however, he stops the conversation, eyes wide, as he waits for the verdict.

"You can come in," Finn says. Blaine looks immensely relieved. Finn's mom steps aside, and Blaine steps inside, taking off his coat and scarf, and then he just stands a little awkwardly, until there's a soft voice behind Finn.

"Hey Blaine," Kurt says quietly. His voice sounds a little weak.

"Hey Kurt," Blaine says softly.

"We'll leave you to it," Finn's mom says and pulls Finn with her back to the kitchen, where Burt still is, leaning against the doorway so he can watch Kurt and Blaine.

"I don't know what to think of this kid," Burt says.

"He's a good kid," mom says.

"How can you think that after what he's done to Kurt?" Finn asks, partially incredulous, but also curious.

"He's oblivious and he should seriously consider getting himself a pair of glasses, but he's a good kid," mom says. "He never meant to do any of this to Kurt, he had no idea Kurt felt how he felt. He had no idea Kurt was starting to hate himself, or that he was in love with Blaine, and Blaine acted like he would around his other friends, in most aspects."

"Most aspects?" Burt echoes.

"He's been a little more gentle with Kurt than he has with his other friends, he says, because he knew Kurt was upset, but he had no idea that it would only make things worse," mom explains.

"He's hardly been **gentle** ," Finn huffs. "If he'd been gentle, we wouldn't be in this situation."

"He's been trying to protect Kurt from bullies and hate, and at the same time, he said things to Kurt that he didn't realize Kurt would take to heart the way he did. And you can't blame him for that," mom says. Both Finn and Burt want to object that they most certainly can blame Blaine, but Finn's mom stops them. "It's really difficult to tell how thick-skinned a person is, and what their weak spots are. Blaine had no idea that what he was doing was pushing all of Kurt's buttons, because he, like everyone else, didn't realize how fragile Kurt has gotten."

Okay, Finn can sort of understand that.

Kurt No one says anything in the kitchen after that, they just watch as Kurt and Blaine settle down in the living room to talk, but they can't hear what Kurt and Blaine are actually saying. At one point, Kurt starts crying softly, which makes Burt jerk forward, but mom holds him back. Blaine reaches out several times like he wants to put a hand on Kurt's knee, but he's not sure if he should. Eventually, however, he does, and Kurt's eyes sparkle a little for a moment when he does. Broken or not, Kurt is still affected by a crush. At least that's still normal, Finn thinks.

Kurt hugs Blaine when they finish talking, which seems like it takes an hour, and then walks him to the door, where they hug again, very tight.

~*~

_It's alright if you don't know what you need_

 

By the time Regionals rolls around, Kurt has started smiling more often again, and that makes everyone feel a whole lot better. Despite the treatment he received there, Kurt stays at Dalton, because he's not sure he could handle going back to being terrified at school. And Finn can tell that his little talk with the other Warblers have shaken them enough to realize what they did wrong, because Kurt comes home from school and talks about what people have done for him that makes him feel appreciated almost every day. Blaine, it seems, is usually in charge of making Kurt feel absolutely adored and treasured, and Finn believes it when his mom says that Blaine never, in any way, meant to hurt Kurt the way he did.

At Regionals, Kurt has a duet with Blaine that makes Puck cry. More importantly, though, Kurt has a boyfriend in Blaine, and that has him smiling almost constantly. It's such a wanted change that Burt doesn't threaten Blaine with bodily harm, because it's obvious that Blaine is making up for all the things he did wrong and is instead making Kurt very, very happy. And that's alright then.

**End**


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